The Federal Reserve Board – which may be the smartest deliberative body on the face of this earth – bought more than $3.5 trillion in bonds in an effort to raise the inflation rate to 2%.
It failed. In fact, the inflation rate is lower now than it was before the bond buying began.
Why that is so now seems pretty obvious. It’s Tom Brady’s fault. We don’t know that for a fact, of course. How can we prove it? But, as attorney Tom Wells might put it, it’s “more probable than not.”
The hunky quarterback of The New England Patriots likely involved his wife, former supermodel Gisele Bündchen, since she’s retired now and has nothing better to do.
To again borrow the words of Wells, Brady was “at least generally aware” of the Federal Reserve Board’s attempts to increase the rate of inflation to 2% … and so he set out to thwart that attempt. (We’re not sure how being “generally aware” differs from being “aware,” or why it needs to be modified by “at least,” but it sounds pretty ominous.)
Just connect the dots:
Someone has to have plotted against the Fed. Members of the Federal Reserve Board are the smartest people in America. Who else would be able to figure out how many bonds to buy in order to raise the rate of inflation to exactly 2%? And who else would be able to recognize that a rate of 2% is optimal for the country’s economic health?
If people that brilliant set out to raise the rate of inflation to 2%, it would be done – unless someone plotted against them.
Tom Brady is evil. If you don’t believe me, just ask a New York Jets fan. The guy has a closet full of UGG boots; how evil is that? And he apparently likes less air in his footballs than the NFL allows. Even fiancée-beater Ray Rice never let the air out of his team’s footballs (at least not that we know of).
As further evidence, he dissed President Obama by failing to join his fellow Patriots when they were feted at the White House, yet he managed to get good seats for both the Kentucky Derby and the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. Now that’s evil!
Tom has the ability to get people to do his bidding. People will do whatever it takes when Tom (I hope he doesn’t mind if I call him Tom) asks for something. We’re not just talking about nearly impossible touchdown catches by the Gronk. We’re also talking about locker-room attendant Jim McNally.
According to the fascinating 243-page account by attorney Ted Wells, McNally was able to deflate 13 footballs in 100 seconds to the exact pressure desired by the New England Patriots quarterback … all while using an imaginary urinal. That’s an average of 7.69 seconds per ball. How did he do it? Tom must have asked him to, so how could he not do it?
Deflategate was a decoy. Tom Brady didn’t need to deflate his team’s footballs to beat the Indianapolis Colts. The Patriots won 45-7, for God’s sakes, even though properly inflated footballs were used throughout the second half.
So if Tom didn’t need to deflate his team’s footballs to win, why would he do it? To draw attention away from his plot to stamp out inflation, obviously.
And the ruse has worked. The New York Post, as just one example, ran 12 stories on Deflategate in just two days … and not a single story on Tom Brady’s plot to destroy the U.S. economy. In fact, The Post gave more coverage to Deflategate than all U.S. media have given to Hillary Clinton’s missing e-mails in recent weeks.
Tom has a motive. The higher the rate of inflation, the less Tom and Gisele (I hope she doesn’t mind if I call her Gisele) can buy with their millions. Gisele alone earned $47 million from her 2014 contracts, making her the highest paid model, according to Forbes. If inflation were 2%, the buying power of Gisele’s $47 million would drop by nearly $1 million in just a year.
Keep in mind, too, that Tom’s years in the NFL are numbered. He’s seen the spectacle of Brett Favre’s retirement and Peyton Manning’s embarrassing playoff performance and determined that all he has left in his tank is two or three more Super Bowls. Gisele has expensive tastes, so, if inflation increases, Tom will need to find another way to make a living.
It’s a shame that the Bradys (or is it the Bundchens?) are likely to get away with wrecking the U.S. economy. Because inflation is nowhere near 2%, the U.S. economy grew at a rate of only 0.2% in the first quarter of 2015 and hasn’t been close to its post-World War II average of 3.3% since President Obama moved into the White House.
We wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Tom Brady is also responsible for the deflation that’s been holding back virtually all of Europe from an economic recovery, in spite of the best efforts of central bankers. He may be responsible for Japan’s deflation, too.
But he’s likely to get away with it. “More probable than not” is good enough for the NFL, but not for the U.S. justice system.